Anxiety… My Story

You can’t do it.

You’re going to make a fool out of yourself.

Everyone is going to judge you.

Worse, everyone is going to laugh at you.

You don’t know what you’re doing.

You’re going to fail.

 

We’ve all experienced these thoughts. Every single one of us has had a moment of indecision due to fear of the unknown, a moment in time where you’ve had to stop and take a breath because for just a minute you started to doubt yourself. What if, instead of reassuring yourself that you can confidently walk down the road ahead of you, the single negative thought that slowed you down multiplied into thousands of voices in your subconscious screaming negativity until it consumes you? What if in that minute, you couldn’t take a breath, you panic, you search and struggle for oxygen and find the air around you has suddenly vanished? Your chest tightens so that even if the air was there your lungs have no room to move. Panic.

 

This is what happens to me.

 

I am one of the many faces of anxiety.

 

I am writing about my personal experiences with anxiety, as I have previously done when sharing my battles with bulimia and depression because I know how the stigma that society places on people with mental health issues can effect the individual. How, because of the fear of judgement and persecution that you carry with you everyday can stop you from seeking the help that you need. Let me tell you, that amongst my group of friends, I know not one of them who doesn’t or hasn’t previously had some form of mental struggle. We all stand by each other and support each other through our darkest hours because that is what friends are for and I would not be here without them.

 

I have an anxiety disorder. I am not anxious, there is a difference. For the most part I am ‘normal’ (or as normal as any of us can get) as a twenty-five year old. I get up, I go to work, I come home to my partner, I hang out with my friends… See? Normal.

 

However, upon closer inspection it has become apparent to me that everything I do is fuelled by a deep seeded fear of other people’s perceptions of me, of a need to be loved and fear of persecution and exclusion. So basically I want people to notice me and I wan them to like me. You maybe think that this is slightly narcissistic of me, but until recently I was completely unaware of why I behaved the way I did, why I put on a show and felt panic stricken if I ever left the house without makeup on.

 

What if I saw someone while I was out?

 

What would they think of me if they saw me with no makeup on?

 

I feel that the last few years of ‘Eldiese’ where I have been completely absorbed into the life of my creative and extraverted alter-ego have only served to fuel such concerns to a point where I now experience levels of anxiety in areas other than my physical appearance including my house and worst of all, my work. Unwarranted concerns really, why should I care what people think of my house as long as I am comfortable and happy with the woman I love?

 

You might be thinking to yourself that you too get flustered when expecting guests and the house isn’t clean but I get so flustered and so anxious to the point where I can’t breathe, where the voices in my head tell me that the house is a mess and I am a terrible partner and housekeeper. For those of you who know me and have seen my house, it is spotless, I know this, I am a rational person and I know that I have nothing to be ashamed of and that I keep a tight ship, but I am still the person who says “Excuse the mess” when there is not a single item out of place. It is in this moment of anxiety where I can’t breathe, the uncontrollable negativity engulfs my every thought and there is no room for rationality let alone positivity. This moment of expecting house guests (particularly my own or my partners’ family) when the fight or flight mechanism kicks in and I just want to lock the door and cancel the event for fear of how they will judge me and my house.

My safe haven used to be my work and still is to some extent. Depending greatly on the hospital that I am working at, it is the fear of the unknown that triggers that anxious fire inside of me. When working at a hospital which I am familiar with, I am fine, I am confident and quick on my feet. I know my job and love it. However, when faced with an unfamiliar hospital that terrible and overwhelming feeling of despair returns. Fear of not being able to perform my job to my high standards and people judging me is all consuming. But that’s exactly it, they are my high standards, no on else’s.

 

This is what happened to me this morning. I was booked for a shift at a hospital that I have only worked at once and laying in my bed, mentally preparing myself for the day to come I found myself unable to break free of the negativity that filled my head. I was faced with the fight or flight battle and on this occasion I fled. I called in sick and stayed in bed. While what I experienced this morning was not an anxiety attack (thanks to the presence of my partner, who’s soothing words kept me from teetering over the edge), I found that I was unable to move, unable to anything except stare at the ceiling and spin around and around in the endless whirlpool of negativity that told me that if I were to go to work then I would make a fool of myself and would have to leave, never being able to go back again. So I stayed in bed with my reputation intact, my bank balance dwindling and my fears still well ingrained in my subconscious.

 

When faced with choice to fight or flight I know that unless it will be dangerous to your health you should fight. Fighting strengthens your resolve, makes you stronger and in the long run facing these fears helps you to move past your anxiety. You to prove to yourself that the things that you are most afraid of are all in your head. This morning however, the thought of stepping into that hospital, into a theatre full of people that I had never met before and doing an unknown operation, it froze me to my very core. I was so terrified of what other people think of me that I could not lift my head off my pillow without a wash of fear engulfing me. No, this is not simply narcissism.

 

What about those times where my partner is not there to talk me back from the metaphorical ledge of anxiety and hopelessness? When I am alone and my deep breathing exercises and positive thoughts have failed to release the ever tightening band around my chest and subdue the infestation of termite-like defeatist thoughts scurrying around my brain?

 

Last week my partner and I moved into our new apartment, our first home together outside the incomparable mid-twenties experience that is the share-house. You may have noticed that I have been away working for a few months and as such I had not seen our little ‘Love Nest’ prior to signing the lease. I entered the property for the first time alone as my girlfriend was working. Realistically I know my triggers, so I should have seen this coming. I entered the apartment and was distraught. It was not what I wanted. It was small, there was no storage, the bathroom was never going to fit my make up in it. What would people think when they saw this tiny, golden-walled nest? Because I had no one there to point out the positives, the balcony, the gas stove, the great lighting etc, these negative thoughts swirled around in my head and I crashed to the floor in a sobbing, hyperventilating heap.

 

I cannot explain to you how it feels to be so out of control, to be so lost in the negativity and desperation that is filling your head like black, sticky tar. You can’t break through that. Well, I have not yet reached a point in my cognitive therapy that I can break through that by myself. So I did the only thing that I could think to do… I called my mum. My mum is well practiced in these types of phone calls, but I can’t recall ever calling her mid-anxiety attack but she was great. She knows exactly what to do. I go everything off my chest, what I perceived to be wrong with house, my hopelessness and despair and then she changed the subject. I don’t know if this method will work for you, but it worked for me.

 

I do see a psychologist, who helps me not only with coping mechanisms to help me deal with my anxiety, but is also helping me get to the root of my issues. Why I am I so afraid of what people think of me? I don’t have an answer for that yet. I also take medication which helped me to get through what was quite possibly the most challenging part of this whole battle. Starting a new job. I don’t know how my girlfriend coped with all of the tears and mood swings but she is a saint and I am so grateful to have her in my life. As well as my friends, because I know that if I need them they will come.

 

If you leave me with any advice today please don’t be afraid to ask for help! It takes so much courage to admit to people that you are struggling, but in my experience, as zoo at that veil has been lifted the road to recovery becomes that much easier.

 

So I guess the lesson is this, you need a good support network around you no matter if you have mental or physical health problems. You can’t do it alone and you shouldn’t have to. Seeking professional help and medication does not make you ‘insane’ everyone needs help from time to time and we all need to fight to get past the stigma that has been built up around mental health issues. And finally, you need to be kind to yourself because nobody is perfect and every single person around you has problems of their own.

The only person who is judging you, is you.

 

So reach out and take my helping hand.

 

xx

 

Eldiese

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

“Love you.”

 

Oh fuck, what do I say? Do I love her? Maybe. Oh Fuck! Is this really love What do I say?

 

“Um… Thanks Babe.”

 

Awkward.

 

I love you. Words that we have all said, words that should mean the world but words that are often abused and overused for personal gain. What is love and more importantly how do you know you are in love? Love I think, is much the same as pain in that it is a totally subjective experience so the answers to these questions are as individual as the people in love. Ironic is that, in my experience love very rarely comes without the pain.

Is there ever really a nice way to respond in that awkward moment if you don’t love her back? You can’t say “I like you a lot” or “I might love you one day” that’s just mean.

But what is love? Is love that cliche movie moment when you see that person for the first time and the romantic music starts playing? You lock eyes from across the room and know instantly that this person is the person that you are meant to spend the rest of your life with? Should you be disappointed if your first kiss is anything but fireworks and butterflies?

If the relationship ends and you leave brokenhearted, does that mean you were in love but weren’t loved in return?

 

When you enter a new relationship and fall in love with your partner does that mean you never really loved the previous partner? Or should you learn not to compare relationships?  I think that the later is the best option, after all you can’t get distracted by the past and the bitches who broke you.

How many of you have said those three little words and regretted it, or realised later that you didn’t really mean it or have found your way into a new relationship and thought ‘Hmmm, maybe I didn’t love that person because the way I feel about this person is so different’? Or worse how many of you lovely ladies have used the L word (no not lesbian) for personal gain? Shame on you for those how have! Any Sapphic Sisters out there that have dropped the L bomb and been rebuffed? Come with me and we will get ice cream and watch the L Word together.

 

I feel that lesbians are ‘I Love You’ sluts. We say the words at the drop of a hat, and that’s not our fault, not really. It’s the urge to merge and all of the chemicals in our brains that make our feelings so strong. But it is true that we say i love you a lot, whether we mean it or not.

Love, that one little word can be the most terrifying and amazing word and feeling in the world. That moment just before you say those three little words for the first time and the butterflies that come with the moment are amazing. What is more amazing though, is when the words are reciprocated and you can’t help but do a little happy dance in your head.

 

But ladies, is it really love? I want to know how you think you know if it’s true love (the forever kind)? Or is not knowing all part of the game called life?

 

But in the mean time I would love with your whole heart, enjoy the romance and if she loves you back, never let her go.

 

xxx

 

Eldiese

The Lies We Tell

We all lie. We are only human after all and nobody is perfect. There are, however, many different kinds of lies and each different type has different consequences. I feel like as lesbians there are a stock standard list of lies that I’m sure you can tick off either having fallen victim too or that have slipped out of your mouth on occasion.

This list started with some friends of mine after Taylor admitted to faking orgasms with her girlfriend. I can tell you that only one of us in that conversation who was shocked was Taylor’s girlfriend. I mean, who hasn’t faked an orgasm or two? But then the question arises, why do we fake orgasms?

There are so many reasons! I think that for a lot of women in relationships we fake orgasms because they a) don’t want to hurt their partners feelings if they are not in the mood or b) the relationship is suffering form lesbian bed death. I don’t think that faking orgasms is something that should be taken personally unless of course it is happening all the time and them perhaps you’re just really bad in bed.

What about those girls who lie about being gold stars? For this of you who aren’t down with the lingo, a gold star is a lesbian who has never slept with a man. I am definitely no gold star and I have never claimed to be. Some women do, however, claim to be gold starts because they feel that there is a stigma related to those of us who took a while to come out or tried to conform before we accepted our true nature. Who cares if some of us have had the old hot dog in our bun? Apparently some do. Really though, why lie about it?

I personally, am of the opinion that if you like girls and vagina then you’re gay but some lovely ladies out there believe that you’re only really gay if you’re a top. I mean, how many times have you met a girl and she comes across all assertive and dominating only to get her home and find out she’s a pillow princess? Ladies, just because you like to star fish it while she’s going down on you does not mean that you aren’t gay. She’s still a girl, you’re still a girl. Sounds pretty gay to me.

This one’s a no brainer. She’s not friends with her ex. Of course she’s friends with her ax. We’re all friends with our ex’s and if we’re not we would still run a mile for her if she called and asked us for help because once we sapphic sisters have formed that bond, it’s not going anywhere. I know, we all wish the ex’s would just run away to an island somewhere and we would never have to deal with them ever again, but alas then there would be no lesbian left and that would be a tragedy. My tip though, even if she does say she’s not talking to her ex, don’t go looking for evidence, because if you think she is, then you’re probably right and if that’s the case, do you really want to know? 

And finally there’s the big one. How many people she’s slept with. Now in my personal opinion there are two ways to answer this question and the answers come from two different types of people. Theres the understatement and the exaggeration. The understatement comes from the girl who doesn’t want to look like a slut, you might really like the person who has asked you how many girls you’ve slept with or you might just be worried about your reputation. So you lie.

“No baby I didn’t participate in a lesbian orgy where I was elbow deep in at least ten other girls. I haven’t even reached double digits.” Lie.

Or there are the girls who exaggerate. I think that the exaggerators are the one’s with the huge ego’s who think they have something to prove. These are the girls who will point to random ladies around the room and tell you they’ve slept with them just to make themselves look good (or easy depending on how you look at it). Most of the time I think that you might exaggerate to your bros a little, but perhaps its not a good idea to exaggerate your number of previous sexual partners with your current girlfriend.

So ladies, how many of these little lies have you been guilty of? How many have you been caught out on? And what other lies have you told your partner or friends?

I won’t tell anyone. Promise.

xx

Eldiese

 

 

 

 

Dear Butch… Love Femme

Dear Butch…

I see you. I rolled over this morning and saw you there sleeping peacefully, your swagger gone, your femininity enhanced while you are in your sleeping form. I smiled to myself because I am so privileged to see behind the butch bravado that you show the world, to see the woman that society thinks is missing.

When I saw you from across the room in your bow tie and your suit that night, all swagger and bravado, I knew I wanted to know you more, that there was more to you than meets the eye, so maybe I knew more about you then you initially thought. I know you saw me in my dress and my heels, my make up, I did it all for you. I did it so that you would notice me. You sauntered over to me, cocky, ready to pounce on this ‘innocent’ femme, but I know your game. I am a High Femme and I know how to play, but you knew that already. One touch of your face and you’re blushing. I thought you were adorable, but don’t worry, I would never tell anyone. Your reputation is safe with me. 

I hold my head high and let you guide me around the room, hand on the small of my back as you show me off , knowing that you are mine and I am so proud to be yours. My dapper butch, the flutter in my heart when you open the door for me and pull my seat out, I just can’t explain how special you make me feel. I have always been a princess, but with you I feel like a queen.

I am a high femme, my title means a lot o me. The way I identify is who I am. You are a butch, I’m sure you understand. I am not weak, and I am not submissive or helpless. I think that heterosexual society often perceives me as a damsel in distress and you as a man. I am glad that they are wrong. Maybe we should show them what happens behind closed doors my love? Maybe we should show them your subtle blush when I tell you that you’re beautiful or how you trust me enough to let me take over in the bedroom. We could let them see you wearing my apron and cooking me dinner. Better yet, let them see you holding a baby, my big tough butch dissolved to goo’s and gaa’s and lots of clucking. No my love, perhaps we should keep our relationship a mystery, who doesn’t love to be stereotyped by people who do not understand?

As a High Femme, I am not a gender stereotype and I am not going against my sex or my feminist ideals by being girly, by letting you open jars for me or you holding the door. I am a good girlfriend and I take pride in that. I can be soft and helpless sometimes, but so can you.  I date women who wear suits, not because they look like men, but because they are women. I wish that society didn’t judge our relationship by the way we look. I am high femme and I could not be more comfortable. Yes I like to be protected and I love the chivalry and butch mannerisms that you show me, but I can fight for myself and I will protect you to the end. It is not you that society needs to be weary of, it is me.

I see the way people look at you on the street and I know you know that I am on guard always to protect you, to protect us. I wonder how those people who stare, the ones who look at you when you walk into the woman’s bathroom, how would they feel if we were to stare at them and the person who’s hand they are holding. What about those people who give us a thumbs up on the street or people that yell their approval? Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be a straight couple, quieter I guess. One day my love, people won’t make a fuss, we will go unnoticed. For that day, I cannot wait.

What will happen when one day you carry our child? Can society comprehend a pregnant butch? I cannot wait to see you with that mother to be glow on your face, I think it is the only way you could possibly be more beautiful. You are, after all, a woman. You have a lady heart just underneath the surface of your rough, rugged, butch exterior. Your heart is feminine and tender with a great capacity to love like only a woman can.

I see you beautiful girl, I see your masculinity, your femininity,  I see the way you look at me like I am your world. I see you cry, I see your heartache, I see you all.

And I love all I see.

Love Femme.

xx

Eldiese

We Do What To Our Vaginas?!

Ok, so here in Sapphic City we talk about having vagina pride a lot. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term allow me to educate you:

Vagina Pride: Having pride in one's pubic region, being proud and able to discuss any and all topics vagina related when necessary. Vagina Pride also incorporates the act of maintaining one's vaginal region not only in regard to health and hygiene but also maintaining one's pubic hair, not only for your significant other's benefit but also for the improvement of your own self esteem. 

Now while I am all for Vagina Pride I feel as though some women take it a little bit too far with their vaginal maintenance. Recently on a trip down the isles of my local chemist I found a variety of products that a) I had never heard of and b) would not in a million years use and none of them were cheap, from Femme Fresh to Douching and Vingal Bleach. But this little trip got me thinking, what other extravagant methods of vaginal maintenance are out there? How do other women out there feel good about their privates? 


I use the term Vagina Pride to help women feel empowered by their genitals, not to add to the already overwhelming expectations of the beauty industry. However it occurs to me that perhaps some women feel as though their privates aren't up to the standards that society has placed. 
Now, I'm not on to judge, how you feel proud about your bit and pieces is up to you, so the following is all meant in jest, but here is a list of the most outlandish things I found that women do to feel more Vagina Pride. 

So lets talk about the first thing that comes to mind… 

Odur - Vaginal deoderant (seriously)
While I'm the first to admit that no lotus flower actually smells like roses, I am a firm advocate that good hygiene will solve the majority of dour problems but apparently that's not enough. One look in your local chemist's 'feminine hygiene' section and you will find a myriad of products all designed to freshen up you meat curtains and (depends on the fragrance you choose) make them smell like a tropical island (because every woman wants a vag that smells like bali.)


If you are going to use these products ladies, my advice would be to read the fine print and do some research first. Many of these products include chemicals that may be harmful to you. For example; on my trip to Price Attack I found 3 different vaginal deodorants that contained Benzethonium Chloride google this shit! It's used in cleaning products and is even classified as a poison in some countries! Make sure you are away of what you are putting inside your bodies ladies! Did I forget to mention that these deodorisers are vaginal suppositories? Yup! For minty fresh breath just shove a couple of those straight into your love tunnel! Dirt and Grossness-Douching For those of you who aren't aware, douching is when you force a mixture of fluids into the vagina with a tube and a pump. Im going back to my previous statement here… Good hygiene is all you need! You don't need to be squirting chemicals into your V.J.J. 1. it's messy and 2. its dangerous. Most health professionals will actually discourage the use of douching, like products such as Femme Fresh Douching can disrupt the balance of natural flora (the good bacteria) in your vagina and lead to yeast infections etc (you just got schooled by the Nurse side of me). If your vagina smells bad or has a funny discharge then go and see your doctor, don't shove some random chemical or home remedy up there. Douching can actually lead to ectopic pregnancy and infertility!

Loose Flaps - Vag Rejuvenation
Ok so Vaginal rejuvenation does not solve the low hanging flaps issue but it does claim to make your vagina tighter! That's right ladies! A tighter V.J.J.! I don't know about you ladies, but I've never had any complaints in that department and even after you've pushed out a kid or two is a bit of extra room down below really reason enough to pointing a laser at it? 


And although all the stars are apparently doing it this $4000-$20 000 procedure can lead to all sorts of post op complications including infection, altered sensation, adhesions and scarring. In other words, you'll be really tight but also really oozy and bumpy because of all of your infected scar tissue. 

Ugly V.J.J. - Labiaplasty
Labiaplasty is a surgical procedure in which a portion of your labia is removed in order to make it look more attractive. I love vagina, but I wouldn't say that it's the prettiest part of the female body… but is getting bits of it cut off really going to help? But a lot of self conscious women do this is order to make their flaps equal in length, shorter and more petite and feminine. Again I ask, what was wrong with it in the first place? So how much will a procedure like this set you back? $5000 or more. 

And if you're completely unhappy with the whole outside region Dr. Red Alinsod, a urogynecologist in Laguna Beach, California, has the procedure for you! 'The Barbie': a procedure that excises the entire labia minora. This results in a “clamshell” aesthetic: a smooth genital area, the outer labia appearing “sealed” together with no labia minora protrusion. So add the barbie with some vaginal rejuvenation and you can be nice and smooth on the outside and tight one the inside! Perfect!

And if all else fails and you're still not happy with your nether region… just get some vegazzling! Then it will be so shinny that your conquest won't realise that your flaps are uneven and scarred!

 


xx

Eldiese

Sapphic Senses: Sound

“Oh sweet baby Jesus!!!!”

A sound that we all love to hear, and lets face it you love to make it too because most likely you are in the throws of passion and about to have your 5th mind shattering orgasm! 

 

Sounds, I don’t know how people live without them. Having deaf people in my life I find that I appreciate sounds a lot more, not just the sounds that tell you the you’ve hit that sweet spot but the sounds that tell you that you’re loved, the sounds that comfort you, the sounds that scare the living crap out of you and yes of course, the sounds that make your motor run. And there are also those times when you’re not really listening at all because you’re too busy staring at her boobs.

The sounds that make you realise that you are loved have to be some of my favourites. Besides the actual words ‘I love you’ there are so many sounds that let you know that you are loved; the sound of a kiss on your forehead, her breathing next you slowly and rhythmically while she sleeps, the sound of her laughing… and so many more that make you smile.

My favourite sound is the sound of heart beat, I am a nurse and so heart beats not only help me ascertain the health status of my patients but when I am at home nothing calms me down or helps me sleep more than the sound of her heart underneath my head as I lay on her chest. The human heart is a muscle that tell us everything we need to know about ourselves, the sounds it makes tell us when we push ourselves too hard, when we are sick and make us realise that we are alive.

What about the sounds that scare you? I don’t know about you, but if it’s dark and my floor board creeks I am hiding under the covers and hoping someone will come home faster than you can say “bogey man”. Bats screeching is another one that gets me every time, because if I can hear the little flying rat then it’s close and could attack at any time! What about the groan that comes from the bathroom when your better half realises she just got her period? Now that’s a scary sound! Not only does it mean a week full of hormones lay ahead of you  (which is scary enough!), but also a week of an interrupted sex life. Or better yet, the sound of your mother-in-laws voice on the other end of the phone saying “We’re coming to visit!”. Shudder.

So what about the sounds that get your motor running? For me, its hearing that gasp, that intake of breath when you kiss that spot at the base of her neck or various other places… I guess that really any sound that tells you that you’re doing it right is a good sound.

But what are the other sounds that you like?

I like the sound of no alarm on the weekend, the sound of her playing guitar, the sound of my friends around me having a laugh… Happy sounds.

So what are your happy sounds?

xx

Eldiese

The U-Haul

“What does a lesbian bring to the second date?”

Yeah, yeah… I’ve heard the jokes before. I’ve paid my friends out for moving in together after a month, told them how silly they were and promised myself that I would never be THAT lesbian. We all know them, we all are them, we’ve all done our flaps over a women, gone from ‘your hot’ to OHMYGODWE’RESOULDMATES faster than you can say “Will you carry our baby or will I?”. With the mutual We-we-we-we-ing and the loss of desire for personal space, we are kind of nauseating.  But as my girlfriend is currently moving her things into my house after having only been together for 6 months, it has occurred to me that perhaps I am that lesbian and that I can’t really judge. But I’m going to anyway.

What is it that drives the urge to merge? Why do we want to spend all our time with one another (is it the same for straight couples)? Why are we unable to date?! You can use all of the excuses you want:

“It’s cheaper.”

“We practically live together anyway.”

“My ex kicked me out and I have nowhere else to go.”

 It’s still a U-Haul. I have never U-Hauled before (well until now), but I’ve come close… Looking back on all of my previous relationships (including those with men) I have been guilty of the continuous Lesbian Sleepover and for abusing the ol’ Lesbo Security Blanket.

Side note: The Lesbo Security Blanket is a phenomenon that occurs shortly after two women start sleeping together. You love having that person next to you so much, they make you feel safe, secure and warm, like a security blanket and you get a bit of separation anxiety when she leaves your side for ten minutes. 

After a while (about a week) it’s just expected that that person will be next to you. So you live between two houses (often basing yourself at one house and just going home for clean undies) and eventually (one month) you start to think to yourself ‘Well, I spend all of my time here anyway. It would be cheaper just to move in.’ Nope. Not ok… Just walk away.

Dr. Lauren Costine, a Clincial Psychologist based in Beverly Hills, is pioneering programming devoted to lesbian minds (yay! someone is trying to figure us out! is of the opinion that U-hauling happens for two reasons. The first being that biologically our brains are wired for a relationships and connection. We emit much more Oxytocin than men. Oxytocin is a hormone women emit  when they’re falling in love, having sex, or breastfeeding. It’s biological encouragement to attach. It feels so good that for some women, in this case lesbians, they can’t get enough. So there! A hormonal reason! Damn Hormones! The second reason U-Hauling happens is society. We live in a society that tells all women being in a relationship is one of the, if not the most important life goal. Combine those two factors with low self-esteem caused by internalized lesbianphobia, and you’ve got the U-haul recipe. When that person starts getting love from another woman, it temporarily fills that low self-esteem. Dam that low self esteem.

I’m sure this doesn’t just happen to lesbians, like I said I have experienced the urge to merge in a heterosexual relationship… but maybe that was because I was a lesbian all along. Then again i think that the urge to merge really stems from our training in gender performance and the social pressures we are under, like Dr Lauren said. That’s right. I’m going to get psychological on your arse. We, as women, are trained from birth to be nurturing and accommodating, to stroke the ego’s those around us, to make them feel good. We also crave this ego stroking for ourselves as we second guess and undercut our own self-esteem on a daily basis (ah, see theres that self esteem rearing it’s ugly head again). So if you find someone who will let you nurture and care for them and return the favour, why wouldn’t you want to spend all of your time with them?

And what about that nagging voice that says things like “You’re nobody unless somebody loves you.”? Personally I want to tell that voice to shut the fuck up and get up out of my head. But the sad thing is, that it’s not just the voice in you shouting these obscene words of hate but also the bitches on the street. It’s a shame that our self worth is so heavily influenced by the opinions of others, but even as children, with our Disney Princesses, society told us to be in a couple. So really it’s society’s fault.

The other factor I think, are our emotions. We are taught to embrace our feelings, to speak to our BFF’s about them, dive right in and swim around in them. We are emotional beings, whether we like it or not. Because we are so vocal about our wants and needs and other women actually listen to the emotional blah blah that come out of our mouths we are intone with each other’s wants and needs so we know exactly what the other wants and that how we come to the OHMYGODWE’RESOULDMATES-ness. Because this woman gets you, you feel like you’ve known this person your whole life… Blah Blah Blah.

So, yeah. The U-Haul is based in some reality – but it is the reality of our social training in the gender binary far far more than it is something about women that is different from men. Lesbians are not just big relationship whores because they’re needy or irrational or emotional as some inherent trait of woman-ness.

Ok so here’s my advice (not that I can give it because like I said, my Mrs is moving in as I type):

– Slow down – try texting her  every second day and only going on one date a week for a few weeks (No she will not run away from you if you don’t text back). Then again, she is a lesbian, so she might, she might also have 45 cats and be bat-shit crazy but that’s just a risk you’re going to have to take.

– Don’t lose yourself – have you time, time with the girls, hell maybe even date other people. You do not have to spend all of your time at home with your woman discussing who was your favourite character on the L Word and how many children you want.

And really, that’s where my advice ends, because realistically, you’re not going to listen to me anyway. So have fun with your U-Haul. And I little tip to make the experience easier, if you go to Bunnings and buy something (say a 4 metre long piece of timber which costs $5) and it won’t fit in your car, then they will give you a trailer for the day! $5 moving trailer! Woop!

So my loves, remember loss of personal space is not ideal in a relationship, don’t sell your stuff when she moves in and if her clothes take up more space than yours in the wardrobe, kick the bitch out.

xx

Eldiese

5 Things that Men Will Never Understand about Being with a Woman…

Ok, so lets be realistic, there are hundreds of things that men will never under about women, hell, there are hundreds of things I don’t understand about women and amongst all of the lady lovers in the room I can guarantee you that not one of them fully understands their partner. Women are fucking confusing and yes, it is our prerogative to change our minds at the drop of a hat and expect you to keep up with this decision.

Women are curious beings, we have many rules, many girl codes and we are all unique. We are highly emotional beings and in dating a woman we mix emotion with emotion and create whole cocktail of fun that the mind of a man could never comprehend! So here is a list of my top five things that a man could never understand about women who love women (and in some cases just women in general);

5. Periods. That once a month week from hell when your uterus decides that it hates you, so you hate the rest of the world. A man could never understand this… Not only do many men blame every emotional outburst on hormones, but when the moment does arrive, most men run for the higher ground where it’s safer. Don’t get me wrong, many men are great at the period love! With the bringing of chocolate and warming of heat packs, these men are winners! But try as they might, men can not know what it is really like to experience the red river flowing. A woman can. A woman knows how agonising the cramps can be, how overly and uncontrollable our emotions can be and how it feels. That knowledge and experience is priceless.

4. The feeling of your cheek against hers. The touch of a woman is soft and bewitching, yes men know this. What a man can never truly gauge, however, is the feeling of a woman’s soft and delicate cheek against another. That soft as a cloud feeling, the feeling when she hugs you and your cheeks rub, or those soft as silk skin to skin moments that happen between the sheets. A man can never truly understand those.

3. Strap ons and Vibrators! How many men out there are afraid of the vibrator?! It is not a replacement (well not for a lot of straight women anyway) and enjoying having one used on you does not mean you’re gay! So take it up the butt every now and then if that’s what you’re into! We women, bearing in mind that not every woman enjoys a vibrator, all use vibrators for different reasons and not all of us are doing it so you become obsolete. Trust me, in my bedroom, your obsolete whether there are silicon toys in my bedside table or not.

Strap ons, are again a subjective thing, some women like to wear them, some don’t, but just because we bought a rubber dick does not mean we really want a man. A woman who wears a strap on ( and no they are not all butches) don’t necessarily want to be a man, she may just like to have her hands free in order to multitask. Likewise, just because a woman likes being fucked by her lady lover in a leather harness, does not mean that she is deep down inside craving for the real thing. So ladies embrace the silicone if that’s what your into!

2. Makeup. Now I know plenty of men who like to wear makeup, and are amazing at application, but I feel like those who don’t really don’t understand it. This point is not just limited to men, but to many women out there too. It takes time and effort to apply makeup correctly, and yes some women apply it due to vanity, but many women wear it to hide insecurities. Regardless, save for the women out there who look like Oompa Loompas, in our minds, the application of makeup makes us feel more beautiful and in turn more confident, so stop your bitching and wait that extra ten minutes while she reapplies her lippy.

1. VAGINA! Now i know I’m stereotyping here, but no man knows a vagina as well as a woman. I’m sure there are many men out there who are good at what they do… but you need to have one to understand the ins and outs and where the right spots are. Then again, I’m sure there are some ladies out there who have no clue either. My advice ladies, grab the old hand mirror, have a look, and play around! How are you going to know how to guide her (or him) if you don’t know what gets you off. And there fellas is what you miss out on… the practice and fun.

Please gentlemen, if you disagree let me know! Ladies, if you have anything to add, again, let me know!

So ladies, wrap you hand around that silicone phallic symbol and embrace it, educate the men in your lives so that they can better understand their women and own your femininity!

XX

Eldiese

Related articles

• Why Men Find It So Hard to Understand What Women Want (mylovelyarthur.wordpress.com)
• Why I want lesbian sex and other musings… (thereddoorstore.wordpress.com)
• Are you hiding behind your makeup? (notepadandlipstick.com)
• Gender Stereotypes (jab282013.wordpress.com)

Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are…

 

So there is this common misconception among not only the straight community but also the baby LGBTIQ amongst us that when you’re gay you have this huge moment of coming out where you tell your family and friends and that’s it, moment done.

But I’ve been thinking about this recently, having just started a new job, and I have come to the realisation that we don’t just come out once. Yes there is that moment, the gut wrenching, nerve racking moment when you tell the people that matter the most to you, but what about those other times? The times when for instance, you start a new job? I don’t know about you, but I still get nervous. And yes, sometimes I still opt not to say anything for fear of discrimination. Really it depends on who’s asking and whether or not I’m in mood to play the “what is it that lebians do in the bedroom?” game.

Coming out is one of the few things (besides the obvious being gay part) that you will have in common with 99.99999% of all of your LGBTIQ brothers and sisters (because of course, some of us never come out). Our coming out stories are as unique and individual as ourselves and they vary again depending on who’s reaction your talking about. I find that it’s the one thing that will always be discussed at a dinner party. It’s the one thing that no matter who you are, what you do for a living, you can sit down with the person next to you and form an instant bond with.

I recently had a co-worker say to me “But you’re already out. That’s it right?”

I actually laughed at him.

Not three weeks earlier had I returned home to my partner and told her that I had come out at my new job. Previous to that day I had not mentioned to my coworkers that I had a girlfriend or that I was gay as I was ‘feeling the team’ trying to figure out what the reaction would be as none of the other staff were gay either.

So no, we do not come out just the once.

 

But really, I hate that it matters! What you want me to do? Get lesbian tattooed in rainbow across my chest? I mean really!

Maybe it’s just me, or just the invisible femmes out there. I don’t necessarily look like your typical lesbian lover from another mother. The well trained eye can spot me sometimes, with the short hair, the purple leather wrist band, my girl on my arm… But the straight community I find are none the wiser and then you have to have that conversation.

Old Crusty Surgeon (I’m also a nurse): “Eldiese, are you married?”

Me: “No because some close minded wankers in parliament have decided that it’s not my right.”

Possibly not the best way to do it…

Male Work Colleague: “I bet your wild in the sack!”

Me: “Oh honey, you have no idea. My girl has certainly never complained.”

Hmmm… Getting better.

Different Male Coworker: “Did you see what happened to that chick I was talking to when we went out the other night?”

Me: “Um… yeah, I went home with her. Rocked her world too!”

Much better. Just do it in style and own it!

I guess it all depends on the situation. I have opted not to come out on some occasions because to be perfectly honest, I just could not be bothered with all of the follow up questions. I dream that one day coming out won’t be necessary. One day we will all just date who we want and we wont have to justify our reactions to anyone.

 

In the mean time come out when your comfortable, lean on each other for support and maybe get a rainbow flag tattooed on your forehead… That might make it easier to spot.

 

xxxx

Eldiese

The Vaginal Monologues Part 2

“So how exactly does scissoring work?”